You Fancy Yourself by Maja Ardal

Author:Maja Ardal
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
ISBN: 9781770912311
Publisher: Playwrights Canada Press
Published: 2012-06-15T04:30:00+00:00

Bruntsfield School classroom

ELSA is ten years old.

MISS CAMPBELL

The Scottish song contest is once again upon us, class. Now that you are seniors, one of you will be chosen to represent the school at the city-wide competition. And who knows? Maybe this year one of you will go on to the nationals. (sighs to herself) Oh dream on, Daphne Campbell! Anyway, this is a great honour, and I expect you all to work hard to prepare a piece from the glorious canon of poetry and song that has graced the history of Scotland.

ELSA

(narrating) Jamie MacDonald drops his head on the desk and sighs.

(to JAMIE) What’s the matter with you, Jamie?

DAVID

I dinny want tae sing.

ELSA

(narrating) Jamie will never win the contest, but I don’t want him to get the strap anymore. I wish he’d let me save him from Miss Campbell.

(to JAMIE) You have to do a song. Everybody has to do something. Do your mummy and daddy not sing at home?

JAMIE

Ma daddy sings when he comes home from the pub.

JAMIE sings, emulating a pugnacious drunk.

Celtic, Celtic, they’re the team for me

Celtic, Celtic on to victory!

ELSA

That’s a football song.

JAMIE

What’s wrong with it?

ELSA

Miss Campbell won’t like it.

JAMIE

She won’t like anything I do.

ELSA

Jamie never cried when Miss Campbell massacred him.

I think that’s why she doesn’t like him, and none of the children in our class will talk to him because he only has the one nice ear. But I think I know his secret! He’s just like the troll children from the stories back home. They’re always dirty and their noses run green and they live in the bottom of the mountain.

I’m going to save you, Jamie. I’ll help you find a song.

JAMIE

I don’t know how to sing. (He starts to leave.)

ELSA

Jamie MacDonald is really a troll!

(to JAMIE) I’ll teach you! I understand you! Nobody in the whole world is going to help you except me, Jamie!

JAMIE

I’ll think about it.

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